- Dr. Crane. - Hello, Daphne.
Is Dad around? I have that videotape he wanted to see.
He's gone off with Donny. They went to a tractor pull.
Oh.
As I understand it, they attach a large weight to a tractor.
See how far they can pull it through the mud.
Oh.
The answer to your next question is, "Beats the hell out of me."
Oh, hello, Daphne. Niles.
Hello, Frasier.
Well, Dr. Crane, I see you're growing yourself a crumb catcher.
Oh, please, spare me your jocular euphemisms.
I've heard them all from Freddy.
My chin sweater, my face fuzz, my hickey hider.
- Well, I think it suits you. FRASIER: Well, thank you, Niles.
I just wanted to shake things up a bit, you know.
- How was Boston? - Oh, it was fine.
It was great seeing Freddy. Lilith was insufferable.
She's got a new boyfriend,
some 28 year-old named Marcel.
He's a contortionist with the Cirque du Soleil.
- She's dating French circus folk? - Yes, well,
he's actually perfect for Lilith. He has no apparent spine,
and she can wrap him around her finger.
Of course, Lilith's smug satisfaction was a little hard to bear though,
considering how long it's been since the circus came to my town.
I couldn't believe the weight of that thing.
- I know. - It's Grizzly Crane.
- Well, nice soup strainer there, Fras. - Thank you.
Oh, we just saw a hell of a tractor pull. You would have liked it.
- How's my grandson? - He's great, Dad.
He loved the baseball mitt.
Where's Daphne? I got this little gift for her.
Oh, a John Deere cap. How could you?
I'm just giving it to her to see her pretend to like it,
and then I'm gonna give her a bracelet.
- Hey, Frasier. - Oh, hi, Roz.
- Cool beard. - Oh, thanks.
- Hey, Niles. - Hey, Roz.
Okay, here's your directions, hotel confirmation and schedule.
- Excuse me? - Broadcast conference.
Good lord. I thought that was next week.
No, it's tonight. I'm going up there now.
No, Roz, I just got back from Boston.
For God's sakes. You know, maybe I could just
drive up tomorrow and attend the panels.
Frasier, tonight's reception's the most important part.
It sets the tone for the weekend.
Last year everybody got drunk and acted like a bunch of horny teenagers.
Exactly. So stop yakking and start packing.
Well, it could be just the boost you need after a long week
with Lilith and le pretzel boy.
You know, come to think of it, there was one
really gorgeous blonde up there,
Rush Hour Rita, Laramie's eye in the sky.
Yeah, I remember her.
The traffic was bumper-to-bumper outside her room.
- Meow, Roz. - Oh, it's just that I'm so sick
of men be coming panting idiots just at the sight of blonde hair.
- That's an oversimplification. - That's ridiculous. Insulting.
For God's sakes, I mean, every man's taste is different.
Sorry, It's just that I met this guy at Nervosa today for coffee,
and it was very annoying.
Every time I tried to say anything, this blonde waitress would walk by...
- Mimi's back? - That's good news.
Gotta stop in and see Mimi.
You know what, I guess I better get packing.
What're you talking about? Your bags are there.
No, Dad, these are my daddy clothes.
I have to go and pack my come-to-daddy clothes.
Oh, give me a break. Can you...? All right, all right.
My surveillance guy cancelled just when I need him
- for this big money divorce case. - The Stanley Redman thing?
Yeah, the dumpster rental king.
This guy controls half the dumpsters in the northwest.
His wife thinks he's been taking out the wrong kind of trash.
Now, if I can prove it, this case is mine.
That is so depressing. You expect this sort of behaviour
from a mattress king, but we ask more of our dumpster royalty.
Yeah, but, you should see this girlfriend.
She's gorgeous, leggy, blonde.
Oh, well, blonde.
- That explains it. - Goodbye.
- I'm sorry. DONNY: Wait a minute. Marty
you were a cop? You have done surveillance.
Oh, sure, all the time.
Why don't you work for me? 45 bucks an hour.
I don't think Dad would wanna do that.
- 45 bucks? DONNY: All right, 50.
But if you get a picture of Redman and the girl, $500 bonus.
- $500? - All right, 700. You're killing me here.
Dad, I don't think this is a good idea. Where exactly is this stakeout?
It's at the Alcazar Apartments, you know, in Belltown.
Belltown is a sketchy neighbourhood?
To you a sketchy neighbourhood is when the cheese shop
doesn't have valet parking.
- I'm an ex-cop, remember? - Yeah, yeah, I know you're an ex-cop.
- Let's examine this, Dad. - No, let's forget about it.
I won't listen to this. I won't do it. Are you satisfied?
Yes. Thank you.
Donny, I'm sorry to put a crimp in your plans.
That's all right. I'm sure I'll find somebody else.
- You're still doing it, right? - Hell, yes.
- Thanks for watching Alice, Lori. - I really owe you one.
I just wanna get down to this cocktail party
before all the good men are taken.
What? I just wanna have a little fun tonight.
No, I do not mean that.
All right, I do mean that.
Lori, I'll talk to you later. Thank you again. Bye-bye.
Oh, hey, Frasier.
Hi, Roz. My room isn't ready yet. Can I put my stuff here?
- Sure, come on in. - Thanks.
I'll tell you, the storm hasn't dampened the festivities downstairs.
It's only 7:00, and Marge Whitmeyer
is already in the bar arm wrestling people for drinks.
How many did you buy her?
Well, three, but my elbow was in a wet spot.
Did you happen to notice if that weather guy from KSGY was there?
Yes, I noticed that he was there.
Something tells me the forecast calls for a collision between two warm fronts.
Excuse me.
- Hello? - Oh, yeah, he's here.
- Front Desk. - Great, thanks.
Hello?
Yes.
Well, then you'll just have to get me a room elsewhere.
I see.
Thank you very much.
They don't have a room for me.
What're you gonna do?
Well, I guess I could stay on the couch.
- What? - Come on, Roz, I've got no choice.
The whole island is booked.
Well, this sure is gonna cramp my style.
I mean, it's not like college when everybody just... Never mind.
You know, Roz, we're two attractive people.
We're at a conference that turns into a bacchanal.
Odds are, neither of us will need this room tonight.
You're right. What's the problem?
I believe there's a cocktail party awaiting us.
Let's go down together.
We'll be like jackals. They hunt in pairs.
I like your self-assurance.
There's no greater aphrodisiac than confidence.
- Shall we? - Let the games begin.
I need a little more lipstick.
Oh, I'm sweating right through this shirt.
- Niles. - You specifically promised me.
Would you just shut up and get in here.
- How did you know I was here? - The doorman.
Big mouth.
Well, I guess he didn't realise he was being sworn to secrecy
when you said, "Hey, Sid, I'm going on a stakeout."
I can't believe you lied to me.
Well, I'm sorry, but you were making such a big fuss about nothing.
It is not nothing. Look at this neighbourhood.
I'm not even happy parking my Mercedes here.
- It's not that bad. - Oh, really?
Then could you explain to me the ominous group of men
standing back there in the shadows by my car?
They're wearing the same dark coat.
- It's some sort of gang. - Niles, they're Hasidic Jews.
That's right, keep walking. Keep walking.
So, what, you come down here to ball me out?
Yes, partly.
- Also to give you this. - What's this?
Clam chowder.
I remembered Mom made it for you when you went ice fishing,
and I hated the thought of you sitting out here cold and hungry.
Well, thank you. I appreciate it.
Why don't you just go back home now? I'll be fine.
No, no, I can stay for a while. No, you could use the company.
Oh, come on, Niles, why don't you tell me what's really on your mind?
All right, I was worried about you.
I knew it. Because I'm an old man and I can't take care of myself.
No, age has nothing to do with it.
I've always worried about you.
That's what it's like when your father's a cop.
I worried about you when I was 5 years old.
I didn't stop worrying until the day you retired.
And today just brought it all back again.
Look, I'm sorry.
For what it's worth, I know what you mean.
My dad was a cop too.
- I know. - But, you know, Niles,
I'm not chasing after bad guys. I'm just gonna take a picture.
That's true.
I'm probably overreacting like usual.
- Well, I guess I'll head home. - No, no, hey,
wait a little bit. Stick around.
How'd you like a little clam chowder?
- I'd love some. - Okay.
This is clam chowder.
- Well, what did you expect? - Irish whisky.
Your mother always filled it with coffee and Irish whisky.
We just called it clam chowder in front of you kids.
Is that why you got so mad that day
I crumbled oyster crackers in your Thermos?
Ugh!
What happened to you?
The same thing that happened to you.
I got a hug good night.
Where did we go wrong?
Rush Hour Rita was draping herself all over you.
And that news guy actually said to me if I gave him 22 minutes,
he'd give me the world.
Yeah.
I don't know, Roz. After he gave you the brush-off,
he came over and sat down next to me and Rita.
Before I knew it, they had discovered their mutual fondness for tango music.
I lose out to tango music?
What a night. A total bust.
Oh, some on, Roz.
You know, for my money, you were the most attractive woman down there.
Thanks, Frasier.
I'm not saying this to return the favour,
but you look really hot in that beard.
Oh, well, thanks.
Maybe we're better off, just a couple of old friends
- having a cosy evening together. - Yeah, right.
- It's him. - It's her.
- Come in. - Hello.
Sorry to disturb you,
but the manager wanted to apologise for the mix-up with the room.
This is on us.
That's nice.
Well, you in the mood for a glass of champers, Roz?
- I don't know. What do you think? - It won't fit in the mini-bar.
- Well, it's settled then. - I can open it myself.
- Thanks. - There you are.
Well, it's a demi-sec, respectable label. Not a bad year.
We may just be having a better time than anybody else here.
Dad, this thing is amazing.
I can actually hear some guy brushing his teeth.
Swish, swish, spit,
swish, swish.
Flossing.
Niles.
You have got to try this. It's incredible.
- Here, put those on. - All right.
All right, now point that anywhere you want.
Niles, will you quit kidding around.
This isn't a game. It's a job.
I just want to spot the guy, get a picture and get out of here.
So why don't we just sit here and be quiet for a while?
You know, Dad,
are you sure you wanna be doing this?
You said you weren't worried about me.
No, no, I'm not worried about your safety.
I mean, are you doing the right thing?
Meddling in this guy's marriage.
You know, speaking as a psychiatrist...
Oh, boy, open up a window.
I just see this sort of thing in my practise all the time.
People make mistakes and... And have affairs.
And find some way to fix it.
It's possible that by taking this picture
you're destroying any chance this man has.
Niles, the guy's a bum.
He's probably always been a bum.
If you wanna get into a debate,
you can tell me what those grass clippings were doing in the chowder.
That was lemon grass
and Chef Andre has gotten high kudos for that soup.
Well, if kudos are those brown, chewy things, he can have them.
I put mine in the ashtray.
You pretend to be such a cynic. I think you agree with me.
You have too much of a conscience not to.
Oh, boppity-boppity-bop.
- Oh, there they are. - You're still gonna take this picture?
Oh, you're damn right I am.
Even though right now that man may be planning to break it off
with his girlfriend tonight?
Planning to... To rededicate himself to his marriage,
the terrible guilt spurring him on to ever greater depths of commitment,
and years from now he may be sitting with his wife
by the fire holding her hand reflecting on all their wonderful years together,
especially their sunset years.
And you could destroy all of that
with one click of a camera.
Sorry, Niles, what were you saying?
You took a picture of that tree,
- and you know it. - All right, I did.
What'd you have to talk about all that stuff for?
I was saying what you were thinking.
You did the right thing. You won't regret it.
Yeah? How am I gonna tell Donny I just sat here
and watched them get in the car?
You'll tell him proudly because you know in your heart of hearts...
Whoa! He backed into your Mercedes.
I don't believe it.
They're not even leaving a note. They're driving away.
I wouldn't worry about it.
They're probably wracked with grief, and it'll spur them on to ever...
Shut up and take that picture. Hurry up, get their licence number.
Hurry. Hurry.
My longest relationship would have to be Ted.
'88 to '90.
No, Derrick, '89 to '92.
Being a gentleman, Roz, I won't point out the slight overlap there.
It's not an overlap. It's a transition.
In April, when you wear spring clothes when you're wearing winter stuff.
Yeah, well, if we're talking April of '90,
I doubt if you were wearing much of anything at all.
Okay, wise guy, what was your longest relationship?
Oh, that's easy. Lilith.
Although...
- What? - Well,
if we're not talking romantic relationship, well, then,
my longest relationship with a woman would be you.
- Seven years. - Loser.
Seven years. My God, it has been that long.
- It's worth toasting. - Absolutely.
Frasier, what's with the beard?
- You hate it. - No, actually, I like it.
It's like you're Frasier, but you're not Frasier.
- What made you do it? - Oh, I don't know.
I just wanted to change things a little or something. Be spontaneous.
Oh, my God. I almost did something like that this weekend.
- Really? - Yeah, I... Hell, I'll show you.
Ooh, nice silk pyjamas.
I made a little purchase on my way up here.
Did you? Well, I am just dying with anticipation.
- What is it? - You promise you won't laugh?
- I promise. - Okay, hold on one second.
I'll be right out.
I just wanted to see for once in my life what it'd be like to be a blonde.
I thought I'd wear it down to the bar one night.
It's pretty pathetic.
On the contrary, Roz.
It's quite becoming.
It's like you're
Roz, but not Roz.
Hello, stranger.
- You here for the conference? - Yes, I am.
Is this seat taken?
It's been waiting for you all its life.
Champagne?
Well, I'm not sure I should.
I already had one glass, and it went straight to my head.
I feel like maybe I should lie down.
You could use my room.
Are you sure you're a gentleman?
Well, I do prefer blondes.
God, how many times have I had that conversation?
What would life be without the occasional surrender to impulse?
That's true. It does make you feel alive.
Doing things you know you shouldn't do.
With people you shouldn't be with.
Right.
You know, suddenly,
this couch seems a little small for me.
Well, the bed seems pretty big.
It's a big bed.
It is.
Roz.
For God's sake.
- You all right? - Yes.
Hello.
- Kenny. - I got stuck in the storm.
Now they don't have a room for me.
I hear we're in the same boat, doc?
- Oh, hey, Roz. - Hey.
- Hey, cool wig. - Thanks.
Hey, wait a minute. I'm not interrupting anything, am I?
- Pyjamas, champagne, - No.
A fire.
So, anyhow,
- can I bunk here? - Why not?
- No reason. - Great, great.
Yeah, I really like that blonde hair, Roz.
You'd better be careful though, get the doc here all hot and bothered.
I'm just gonna get out of these wet clothes.
I had a heck of a time getting here.
All these roads look the same.
I ended up taking a wrong turn.
The last thing you wanna do out here in these woods is take a wrong turn.
Quite right, Kenny.
You know, I'm not sure the beard's really working.
I probably should shave it off.
I wasn't gonna say anything, but, yeah.
I don't wear one of these snore strips,
I'm a buzz saw going through steel pipe.
So rock-paper-scissors for the sofa?
- I'll take it. - Okay.
Looks like it's you and me in the bed, doc.
But I warn you, I'm a roller.
What was I thinking, drinking all that coffee on the way up here?
I'm gonna be up all night. I am wired.
Kenny, do you think you could...?
Good night, Frasier.
Good night, Roz.